This writer won’t be sailing off anytime soon

I’ve never been fond of boats or horses.

The reason I’m not a boat fan is because I’m a 38-year-old man who can’t swim. And I don’t want to get into the horse thing right now. I’m still working through that with my counselor.

Let’s just say it happened back in 2009 on a rainy spring day in Arizona and I don’t want to talk about it. The horse’s name was Azul. I almost died. That’s all you’re getting out of me.

At some point during summertime childhood swimming lessons, I failed miserablyanddidn’treceivemycertificate to move to the next swim class. As a result, I dropped out.

Forapastyredhead,Ialreadydidn’t likebeingoutsideinthefirstplace.Now I can barely doggie paddle my way out of a kiddie pool.

If I were to win a sailboat or modest yacht(hypothetically),I’dcertainlysell it as quickly as possible.

Yes. I’d put that sail up for sale. The differencebetweenthewordssail,sale, sellandcellaresalient.And,beforeyou can accuse me of being a sellout, let me assure you—like the theoretical starter yacht— this argument will hold water.

First, let’s tackle the difference between sail and sale.

Sail can be used as both a noun and a verb. As a noun, sail refers to a piece of fabric attached to a boat to help steer it using wind. As a verb, sail refers to a trip taken on a sailboat. Most of what I know about sailboats I learned from The Beach Boys’ version of “Sloop John B.”

A sale is a noun that refers to the act of selling, specifically when a good or service is traded for some kind of currency. For example: Mattress stores all think it’s a great idea to have big sales over Labor Day weekend. It’s as if the store owners all got togetheranddecidedto celebrate hard work by giving people a great excuse to do the exact opposite.

Sale is different from sell. Sell is a verb; it is the act of working towards the goal of making the sale. You can sell a boat. Once you sell the boat, you have made a sale.

A cell is a noun. It can refer to a few different things. A cell is a small room in which a prisoner is locked. A cell is also a small group acting within a larger organization. A cell is a basic structural unit of all organisms. A cell is a battery. “Cell” is short for “cellular,” so some people refer to their cellular or mobile phones as their “cell” or, more commonly, “cell phone.”

I hope my clarification of sail, sale, sell and cell went swimmingly—which is more than I can say about my own swimming skills. I do plan to take oneon- oneadultswimminglessonsatsome point; it’s not exactly “cool” to show up toafriend’shottubcocktailpartywearing a lifejacket over one’s swim shirt.

—Curtis Honeycutt is a wildly popular syndicated humor columnist. He is the author of Good GrammaristheLifeoftheParty: Tips for a Wildly Successful Life. Find more at curtishoneycutt. com.